Isn't God wonderful? Don't you find His goodness and love so overwhelming?
The past 2 weeks have been a whirlwind for me, getting ready to go, working, shopping, getting plane tickets, doing Cru homework, etc. And yet, even in the middle of all this busyness, God has been showing His goodness and grace to me everywhere I turn.
At the end of last month, I was discouraged about some things. So many things in my story recently haven't gone the way I thought I would have liked. I've had a lot of "why" questions for God in all of it. Why this hurt? Why this brokenness? Why this way? In my disappointment I began to wonder if there would ever be good parts to my story at all. The past three years have been incredibly hard for me. I've been so wounded and broken. I've walked through the fire. And it has hurt so much.
And yet.
I knew His promise.
Even if I didn't see how it could possibly come about for me in my life. His promise to be faithful to me. His promise that "I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living"
And so, that night, I decided I had to place my faith and hope again in Him despite the disappointments I was facing, and to choose to believe that He is good- and good to ME. "Seek and you will find" I would seek His goodness. I would go into each day looking for His blessings and love to me. I would delight myself in Him.
It's been my prayer this past year. That He would be my singular delight. And He now truly has become my singular, as everything else feels like it's been stripped away. Now, I asked that He would be my delight.
Job 17:11-12 My days have passed. My plans are shattered. Yet the Desire-of-my-heart turns my night into day; in the face of darkness, LIGHT is near.
He is near. He is my delight, and the One and only true Desire of my heart. And He hears our prayers, and answers. The moment I decided to fix my eyes again on His beauty and goodness instead of focusing on the dark and the pain and the storm around me, I saw Him. And I began to find His goodness everywhere I looked.
He is always loving us. He whispers it to us everywhere: in the breeze, in the smile of a friend, in a bird call outside. Yet, so often we don't see it. We walk right past it. We miss His gentle "I love you's" spoken to us everywhere. But if we'll stop and look for His love ... we will find it. Seek and you will find
He's been so good to me. I struggled to see it that week; now I feel like, this week, I've been blindsided by it! He's showered me with His love at every turn. He's blessed me so much more than I could ever deserve. I feel so overwhelmed by His goodness and mercy to me.
Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the Desire-of-your-heart.
He'll give you Himself! He'll be your Love, and your delight. Your Hope and your Anchor. Your Joy and your Song.
Let Him be that to you. Let Him Love you like that. And let Him give you eyes to see how He's always loved you like that. How even in the very darkest parts of our stories...He was there. Love was there.
He's let me see that this week. Not only His new blessings and grace to me, but His love to me in the parts of my story I'd seen before only as tragedy. He's redeeming it all. He's making all things new. He's preparing me for something new. And right now, I know that that next new thing He has for me is this gap year.
I couldn't be more excited to step into this next chapter of life, knowing it is exactly where He has led me to, and He will be going with me. To guide me, and fill me, and grow me, and change me more into His likeness. And I hope with all my heart that I will get to share this Love I've found with someone there. That I'll get to tell the students that we'll meet the best news there ever could be: of a God and Savior Who loves us like He does. And a God that we can know and love in return. <3
He has some amazing plans to unfold through this.
Thank you all so, so much for your prayers. I know God hears and answers us when we cry to Him. So much of the work He's done to prepare me for this trip has been in answer to specific prayers you've prayed over me and my team. He's been so good to me, and it is my joy to proclaim His goodness here for all that He has done for me even just this week:
- My Support! As of my 18th birthday (7 days ago), He has provided fully the funds for me to go!! (exactly as I'd prayed :) I knew He would, but it's been so beautiful to see His faithfulness to me in bringing in the support I needed. It wasn't in huge amounts for the most part. It was slow work I had to prove myself faithful to persevere in, but He has delivered, and now I can rest in that goodness of the Lord to me. And enjoy my last 14 days with my family and friends to get in all the goodbyes (another thing I'd asked Him for)
- My birthday itself was a beautiful gift from the Lord. My whole family got to go spend the day at Tim's Ford state part in TN per my request. (It's one of my favorite places on earth- so many happy memories!), and as if that weren't wonderful enough...while we were laughing and splashing in the lake, the wind picked up around us bringing with it a delightful, refreshing rain! And anyone who knows me, knows that rain is my favorite thing on earth. :D So God sent it to me on my birthday as a special "I love you" (I told you His love is written everywhere if you just stop to notice. ;)
I got almost my whole family (Mom and Dad kept under the umbrella ;) to just lie out in the cool rain with me on the bridge, laughing as it washed over us and covered us in thrilling goosebumps. Eventually, the clouds cleared, but in their wake the whole lake was left covered in the most beautiful mist, which was absolutely magical to swim in. :)
That night, the sunset was extra vibrant, reflecting and glowing in so much glory and majesty to the King. But then, as dusk fell, the clouds slipped away, and the stars came out in all their brilliant beauty. And my heart sighed with contentment. Everything I love best. God gave it all, just because He loves me and wants to let me know. :) I was overcome by His goodness. I still am. See yet why I think He's so wonderful?
- My ankles, which have been causing me a lot of pain and trouble (I found out earlier this year that I've wrecked them running and playing soccer when they were never wired right in the first place) are finally getting better! It's been a long, long road to recovery for them, and I've shed a lot of tears over the seeming pointlessness of this new issue to have to deal with in my life that also kept me from running (which had been my escape this past winter) But, the beautiful thing is that in this whole season of not being able to walk or run for so long with no fix in sight, He walked that pain out with my so tangibly. And whispered to my heart as He did so that it was only a picture of how He walks through every sorrow and pain with me.
And... He showed me also that my ankles and the healing He wanted for them, was just a symbol of the deeper healing and restoration He wanted to do in a lot of hurting, traumatized places in my heart. So now, as I'm slowly gaining the strength and ability to run again (thanks to my chiropractor and some good orthotics), it's another picture of how He's been restoring and remaking my broken heart and healing my deep wounds.
Habakkuk 3:19 The Sovereign Lord is my strength. He makes my feet like those of a deer; He enables me to tread on the heights.
- My team! I've been praying for each person on my team, before I even knew their names or knew anything about them. I've prayed for unity and deep and beautiful connection among us as we love each other well and let His love pour from us. And... even from the first day we all met over Zoom, we've seen those prayers answered. We instantly accepted each other and leapt right into loving and supporting each other passionately I've never seen a community built so fast and so entirely around Christ and His love. I can not WAIT to see how He uses us all together like this.
Also, on the note of my team... I've seen Him bring in amazing provision for everyone else on my team too. ie., earlier this week, I was praying with Gabriel (one of the two guys on my team) that God would begin to bring in the money he needed (he had to start support raising much later than the rest of us, and felt behind and stuck with not much at all even so close to the deadlines) And...guess what? This week, God answered powerfully and brought in everything he'd needed (and some!) for at least the first 4 months while we'll be in Missoula! And He's continuing to provide individuals and churches who are hearing about this trip and eager to contribute (and hopefully will...soon!) :)
-Bob and Deanne. In a list of praises, I can't not mention our team leaders in Missoula. They are a HUGE gift from the Lord. They are so passionate about their work with Cru, and they love the students they interact with with such large, compassionate hearts. They are soo excited to get our team there and have been so kind and generous to work out all sorts of details for us on their end (this week they're getting us girls an apartment set up, and a place for the guys to stay a couple blocks away)
They are incredible people who I can already tell will be some of my new favorites. ;) I can't wait to work with them every day these next 4 months!
And, I could go on and on of God's goodness and provision to me and my team, but those are just some of the highlights.
Thank you again for all your prayers and support!
14 more days until I leave!!
May He truly be our singular Delight each day.
Joyfully His,
~Esther